A Mental Health Guide for Pandemic Brides

If you’re a bride who wassupposed to (or still is) getting married in 2020, you’re probably feeling theemotional burden right now. Full disclosure: I say this as a pandemic bridemyself, so I feel your pain. No one prepared us for the emotional rollercoasterthat has been preparing for a wedding in the midst of a pandemic, and, ifyou’re anything like me, you’ve shed your fair share of tears about it all.Here are some things that I’ve found helpful in navigating this process, so Ihope this helps you too.

1. Grieve. We all grew updreaming of our wedding day - the dress we’d wear, the venue, the flowers,the champagne toasts, the tears, the laughs, the dancing, the pure joy andcelebration of love. If there is one thing I have struggled with the most, it isthat the pandemic has taken away the celebration of the love my fiance andI share. People who were invited to our wedding were (rightfully)concerned about the safety of attending a large gathering, which led to uspostponing until next year. While I understand these concerns, it took thefocus away from us and our love for each other. I have been grieving theloss of celebration, the loss of the joy that others would feel for ourmarriage, the loss of our special day going as planned. Although I amstill getting married on my original date, I’m grieving the fact that itwill be significantly smaller, and not at our venue. I’m grieving that Iwon’t wear my dress for that ceremony because I want to be able to sharethat with everyone. I’m grieving for myself and for my fiance, that ourspecial day will always have the shadow of the pandemic over it. And whatmakes this difficult is that I feel guilty for grieving! Society is telling brides that we are selfish forthinking about ourselves and our fiances on our wedding day, so I havebeen very selective on who I let into this grieving process. While thismakes it difficult, and at times more lonely, it has been a crucial partin my ability to accept the impact of the pandemic on our wedding and myability to move forward and be flexible with a new plan. 
2. Set boundaries. Since the pandemic hitin March, many of my loved ones have given me their opinion on what weshould do for our wedding. While well-intentioned, I found this to bedifficult to sit with because it added to the aforementioned guilt ofwanting to move forward as planned. When we made the decision to postpone,we still received a lot of feedback and opinions from others. What I havelearned from this is that setting boundaries is important. Ask people torefrain from giving their input. Don’t answer that text that leads youinto a shame spiral. Let your loved ones know how their words and actionsmake you feel and how you will practice self-care so that you do not carrytheir emotions along with your own. This is particularly painful when itcomes to close family members and friends, but I truly believe it isnecessary in order for relationships to stay intact. 
3. Feel your feels. As a therapist, I amalways helping clients identify and then lean into their emotions. While Itend to be competent in tolerating my own emotions, I have found thatplanning this wedding has tested my ability to do this, as the emotionsfeel so overwhelming, strong and difficult to navigate. When I really sitand think about the hurt, sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, andhelplessness, I feel my chest tighten, that pit in my stomach grow, myheart beat a little bit faster, and, yes, I will admit - this feels very uncomfortable. Inthese moments, I have found it incredibly important to either write downhow I’m feeling or talk to some of my supports who I know will validatehow I’m feeling. Right now is not the time to go to that friend who will“tell it like it is,” but to find the people who will truly empathize andvalidate the complex emotional experience of being a pandemic bride.
4. Enjoy the littlethings that go as planned. Even though most ofthis process has been derailed, there have been a few pieces that haveexceeded my expectations. Last month, I still held one of my bridalshowers - a small group of loved ones in an outdoor space with plenty ofsocial distancing. I was so nervous it would be weird, but it actuallyfelt like the most normal thing I have done during this pandemic. Itrenewed my faith that people had not entirely forgotten about the union oftwo people and made me more excited for our “minimony” in the fall. Theshower helped me reframe some of my thinking and accept that even thougheverything looks different than I originally envisioned, it does not meanit will be a disaster.
5. Go to therapy. Having my owntherapist to go to during this pandemic has been a life saver. This wasthe one place where I had someone who would validate how I was feeling,hold back her own opinions, and let me cry about everything I felt I hadlost. She helped me process so much over the past six months and I trulythink I am a better professional because of it. If you were not already intherapy to help with the pandemic, then you absolutely deserve one tosupport you emotionally as you postpone your wedding. 

To all my pandemic bridesout there: I know this has pushed you to the edge, put a whole new level ofstress on your relationship, and brought you to tears more times than you cancount. But I refuse to think that we deserve anything less than our dreamweddings. Lean into your emotions, ask for help from your supports, and knowthat how you are feeling is very real and it absolutely matters. In the end,you will marry your person. Two will become one. 

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